Emily: My water broke on Christmas Eve. It was shortly after 7:00. We were just finishing up dinner and John was in the kitchen, cleaning up. I’d had a contraction on the couch and headed to use the restroom. On the toilet, I felt something leaking— something that felt unusual. I walked into the kitchen and said, “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think my water just broke.” We called Donna, one of our midwives, who asked me what it felt like— to confirm that it was, indeed, my water breaking—and told us to go to bed. She said nobody ever follows that advice, but she wanted us to sleep as much as we could, for the hard work ahead. And she said she’d call Lynne, another one of our midwives, to tell her that we were going to have a Christmas baby. I remember being panicked at that point and wanting to tell her not to call Lynne—I thought for sure I was wrong.

Anyway, John and I still had gifts to open and a house to clean. We couldn’t go to bed right then, not if we expected to have a home birth. We hadn’t gotten the house ready because we didn’t think the baby would come so early. Everybody says that first babies come late. So we rushed through the huge stack of Christmas presents, and called our families to tell them, then tidied up the house and went to bed.

The funny thing is, we had been running errands earlier in the day— I remember we were headed home— and John said, “if the baby came today, would we be ready?” And I remember laughing at how absurd that was— the idea of the baby coming three weeks early.

John: Contractions started sputtering along about 1:00 in the morning, but by 1:30 they were getting pretty regular and I was timing them on the tablet. About 3:30 I called Donna again and she asked us to call back in an hour. I did, and things were still going along as they had been. Then she said to call when we wanted her to come in. I called her about 5:30 and she said they’d be there within the hour. They were here within 45 minutes.

I put some coffee on in between contractions. They set their equipment down in the dining room. They came and checked to see if Emily was dilated. Around that time, Emily’s contractions started getting really intense. I was out in the main part of the house and made an English muffin, to try to keep up my strength. Emily was on the bed for the longest time. I remember at one point— it happened several times— Emily ran to the bathroom to throw up. I was trying to get Emily to drink things…

Emily: You were trying to get me to eat something, too…

John: I wanted you to have your energy. I knew that if there was a danger of us landing in the hospital and not having the home birth we wanted, the biggest danger was Emily not having the calories she needed. Every time she came out of the bathroom, I was offering her calories. It was a terrible thing to do and I felt horrible doing it, but I was thinking about the hospital.

Around 8 or so, Emily came out of the bathroom and was having very intense contractions. Things had shifted into high gear in a matter of minutes. It was amazing. They had gone from powerful contractions that Emily could get through on her own to… the look on her face was different. Wild and edged with panic. At that point, she moved to the birth ball and every time she had a contraction, she would roll back and forth on the birth ball. I was holding both of her hands, on the bed. I was locking eyes with her, trying to keep her focused the best I could. I was trying to do everything I could to help her get through those contractions. That went on for awhile, but you could tell that things were really moving at that point. This part was incredibly fast.

Emily: From the time the midwives showed up in the morning to the time I got in the birth pool, my memory is pretty fuzzy. I remember that they came into the bedroom when they first arrived, and Lynne checked me. She said I was two centimeters dilated and I groaned— she thought I was upset at the two centimeters, but really I was groaning because another contraction was coming, hard. I definitely remember throwing up. That was awful. To already feel so… pushed to the limit, I guess, and to have to throw up… it wasn’t pleasant.

I remember being on the birth ball and I remember that John was trying to talk to me, but I couldn’t hear him. I don’t remember if I was yelling (I’m sure I was, in retrospect), but I do remember that he was saying things I couldn’t hear for whatever reason. I also remember him saying that he was going to text Ryan— to leave in the middle of these contractions, in other words, to text his brother. I’m pretty sure I said something fairly uncharitable at that point, basically saying that Ryan could wait.

At some point, the midwives came into the bedroom and said that they were getting the birth pool ready. I remember one of them saying that it was going to feel really great, to get into the water. In my head, that translated into ‘the pain will go away.’ Needless to say, that didn’t happen. I got in the water and it was so hot. I know they didn’t want me to get too cold, but I was so freaking hot. I couldn’t get comfortable. They added some cold water reluctantly, but I was still too hot. I remember feeling the urge to push. They hadn’t checked me a second time, but I think they could just tell by the noises I was making, that it was time to push.

John: Emily got in the birth pool at 10:30. I had a stool, sitting along side the pool, with an array of drinks on the entertainment center. I had club soda, water, ice water, and a couple kinds of juice. And Emily would ask for specific things at different points. I looked like a bartender. Every now and again, Emily would shift positions. I would hold Emily’s hand when she started to bear down, and Donna had Emily’s other hand. That went on for a long time. It got to the point where you could see his head. Then you could start to see his hair…

Emily: Of course, we didn’t know it was a boy at that point.

John: Yeah, but we saw all that hair. A big shock of black hair. When I saw that, I was amazed. And you’d see the hair pop out at the height of the contraction, and then after a while the contraction would subside, he’d slide back in and disappear from view. And this went on for quite a while—45 minutes or an hour. And after half an hour, the midwives started to check Emily very regularly with the ultrasound, to see if the baby was stressed.

Emily: I remember I wanted to regale everyone with midwifery history. I’d intended to tell them that in colonial America, when an unmarried woman was about to give birth, the midwife would wait until the moment at which the pain was the greatest and then would ask the woman who the father was. The reasoning was that a woman in that amount of pain wouldn’t be able to lie. Anyway, I kept waiting for the right moment to tell them, like I was a comedian waiting for the timing to be right. I never did get to tell that story.

John: They sent Emily to sit on the toilet a couple of times, to change position and get something moving. And when Emily was in there, she was making the most awful noises. I was worried she was going to slip and fall. One time, the door was open and a contraction hit, then she tried to come back in the pool and another contraction hit. And we don’t have a safety bar in there— just wimpy towel bars. And I went in and tried to help her up— I think you let me. But there was a lot you wouldn’t let me help with. There was a lot of typical Emily— fiercely independent. After that, she went to the birth pool and Lynne was trying to get her to give it one more shot, saying, “this is the hard part.” This had been going on for about 15 minutes, when there hadn’t been a lot of progress, and you’d see Donna and Lynne exchange looks. That made me scared, thinking we were heading to the hospital. I could see your strength waning. Thinking back to an hour previous and comparing that to how it was going then, it was apparent that your strength was flagging a little bit and that… it wasn’t clear how long you were going to be able to do this. You pulled me off the stool a couple of times. You had my hand and I was resisting, to try to give you as much to pull against as I could. And you pulled me right off the stool a couple of times. And there toward the end, I think the last thing they were going to try was— you could hear the finality in Lynne’s voice— was to move into the bedroom because you needed a change. We had to wait for the next contraction to be over because these things were just rolling in, there wasn’t much time to do anything in between.

When they moved you, they propped you up on four pillows in the guest bedroom and had you sitting up and had your legs propped up. But then we had to grab your legs and pull them toward your chest…

Emily: I thought I was going to die at that point. That was horrible.

John: That’s when Donna said, “you have to push, this is the ring of fire.” That was the point. That gave you the leverage you needed to give birth. And Henry… holy shit, man. You saw this silver-dollar-sized thing forever, just the top of his head. And then we got you in that position: we hooked your knees and pulled them up, and all of a sudden we weren’t looking at just a silver-dollar-sized piece of head, we were looking at ears. And then maybe two seconds later, his whole body came shooting out. And literally, Lynne had just enough time to put her hand under his head as it was coming out and she said, “Dad, catch your baby.” And I had just enough time to get my hand out and I had to put my other hand under to catch him.

I can’t even describe what that was. It was a force of nature. It was one of those biological things that happens very rarely. It was this thing— there was nothing else you could do but catch it. And I lifted him up and put him on your belly. You asked me if the baby was alive.

Emily: I was so worried that he hadn’t made it. My pregnancy had been so easy, so sinfully easy and glorious and enjoyable, that I thought something surely was wrong.

John: So then they let you guys hang out for awhile. Lynne called Jessie [our third midwife] and was asking about stitches because you tore something fierce when he came out. It was probably the second-worst wound I’d ever seen on a creature that was still alive. She called Jessie and Donna was tending to you. I was standing there, a little bit useless. And then after a while, they needed to clean you up. And they gave Henry to me, swaddled up and with a hat on, and I went into your office and sat down in the chair and cooed and talked to him for about 20 minutes or so. Scared to death I was going to drop him or break him. My god, I was so scared. I had that feeling that you get when you’re completely exhausted— when you’ve gone 36 hours without sleep— and you’re slightly dizzy, disoriented, walking around in a fog. And the adrenaline kind of kicked back in again.

He was born at 12:41 pm. And I measured him at 8 pounds even, on a fish scale. After they got all packed up— this was 3:00 in the afternoon— I had this abundance of energy, burning off that adrenaline. And I called everyone and told them. And I took a couple of pictures with our cell phones and texted them out to everyone I could think of. And just when we had everything packed up, I asked Lynne and Donna if they wanted to stay for a meal. And they both said no and took off.

Yet so far.

I’m a little late getting this posted, for obvious reasons, but I wanted to do it nonetheless. Happy New Year, everyone!
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

   Wow, so much! I defended my dissertation. I graduated with my PhD. I (we) saw the cherry blossoms in DC. I (we) rented a beach house for a week. I got pregnant! I (we) had a baby. The list goes on!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for 2012?

   January of last year was too difficult (having just lost Edgar) to make resolutions, I’m sorry to say. But we did make good on certain goals (finish the dissertation, get pregnant), so I guess that counts? As for making more in 2012… I’d love to say “get an academic job,” but I think that’s too much of a long shot to be realistic. How about “sell the house” and “move back to Kansas.”

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

   Who’s got two thumbs and is sitting next to a baby? This gal! Also, my BFF Sally.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

   No, thankfully, but a number of dear friends suffered tragic losses in 2011 and I hope that 2012 is a happier year for all of them.

5. What countries did you visit?

   Having spent a good deal of cash and vacation time in 2010 visiting England, we remained stateside in 2011. BUT, we visited DC for the cherry blossoms and that was breathtaking.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

   A home closer to family and friends.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

   February 28th, when I defended my dissertation. Early May (though not technically a date, I know), when I found out I was pregnant. And December 25th, when Henry was born.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

   I’m sensing a theme here: Becoming Dr. Casey. Natural childbirth. Learning patience.

9. What was your biggest failure?

   I’ve really struggled to balance the teaching part of my work with the research and writing part of my work. It’s like I can only successfully pull off one or the other, but not both.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

    Not really, thank goodness. I returned from our summer midwest trip with a nasty flu that lasted several weeks, but I was able to not-so-silently suffer through it in bed (the benefits of being unemployed, holla!).

11. What was the best thing you bought?

    This isn’t really a thing, but: our homebirth midwives. These three ladies visited our house every couple weeks during my pregnancy, did all of their tests from the comfort of our own home, and made my pregnancy and Henry’s arrival completely blissful. I couldn’t have asked for a better situation.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

    John, a thousand times over. In the early part of the year, he did a yeoman’s job reading, editing, and commenting on my dissertation. When I told him I was pregnant, he learned everything he could about natural childbirth and homebirths. And throughout my pregnancy, he did everything in his power to make me more comfortable.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

    I’m going to say it: the Republicans. Yes, there’s plenty of blame to go around and I certainly don’t exclude the Democrats from that, but wow, yeah, the Republicans.

14. Where did most of your money go?

    Other than the obvious (mortgage, bills, and other similarly un-exciting things), our various trips (DC, beach, midwest). Totally worth it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

    I got really, really exited about defending and then graduating. It was the culmination of eight long years, after all! And then I got really, really excited about the prospect of having a child. I’d fought the idea for so long, but when it became a reality after I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, I got really jazzed about it.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

    “Let’s Go Fly a Kite,” from Mary Poppins. Also: “Get Ready for This.” They play it at the start of college basketball games (at least at K-State), and I had it on repeat on my iPod while I was waiting for my dissertation defense to start, then again while waiting for my committee to decide my fate.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

    Happier and, yes, chubbier, but also richer in so many ways.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

    I wish I’d taken more photos. It helps me to slow down a bit and appreciate what’s going on around me.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

    I spent (spend) too much time worrying about what other people think, instead of just not giving a damn.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

    For the first time since we’ve been in Florida, we spent Christmas here, at our house. We had an enormous tree, a pile of presents, and lots of good cheer. Oh, and then my water broke. So I spent the rest of Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day in labor.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

    Oh my goodness, yes.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

    Not really a program per se, but we sure had a great time watching the Stanley Cup tournament.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

    No, but the next person who asks me about my milk supply is going to get a punch up the bracket.

24. What was the best book you read?

    The Wordy Shipmates, by Sarah Vowell.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

    Rebecca Zapen.

26. What did you want and get?

    My PhD and a healthy baby.

27. What did you want and not get?

    A job for myself, which I’ve said every year for the last several. *sigh*

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

    Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. Hah! Just kidding. In truth, I don’t really like movies. In fact, I didn’t set foot in a movie theater in 2011. I did see HPDH2 on dvd and thought it was miserable. So, there’s that.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

    I turned 34 on my birthday. I opened presents in the morning, talked to family and friends, and turned in my grades for the fall semester. I’d intended to bake a pie, but at that point in my pregnancy, pie was the furthest thing from my mind.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

    As I’ve said before: Being closer, geographically, to family and friends.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

    Maternity clothes! I finally cobbled together a decent wardrobe of maternity clothes that did not make me look like a) a desperate hooker or b) my grandmother’s curtains. Win!

32. What kept you sane?

    Hard to say. After a lifetime of being a real type-A personality, pregnancy actually mellowed me quite a bit. I have no idea why. But finding that kind of internal peace helped a lot. Oh, and yoga. Lots of yoga.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

    Fancy, huh? Hmm. I’ve never figured out how to answer this one. Kate Middleton?

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

    Contraception, probably. The idea that people are thinking it’s a good idea to ban contraception and take us back to pre-1965 makes me feel very stabby.

35. Who did you miss?

    I missed Edgar, on an almost daily basis. He lived his life on his own terms, which made him a difficult companion at times, but I loved him like mad.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

    Henry. Can you blame me?

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

    You’ll never know whether it’s the right decision or not. The only strategy is to jump in with both feet and hope for the best.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

    “Once in a while, now and then/You’ll meet a guy or a girl/That makes you smile/You’ll never know, who knows when/You’ll meet the her or the him/That makes you smile.” Smile, by Rebecca Zapen