Something Shiny! » LOL

Facepalm

emily — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 17:10:32 +0000

Or, “How Reading Product Reviews Will Make You Lose Your Faith in Humanity.” Seriously, the people who write those things absolutely kill me. If I didn’t know better, I’d say someone was playing a good joke. When I needed to buy a mattress for Henry’s mini crib, I found one on Amazon and read the reviews. One of them, no kidding, gave the item one star and said “this mattress is ridiculously small! it’s like it’s made for some kind of miniature crib!” More recently, I went looking for a camisole for nighttime nursing and found, instead, a nursing sleep bra. One reviewer remarked, “I would never wear this during the day; there’s no support at all. I would only wear this to sleep in.” And those are just a couple examples. So, either there’s someone out there with a really sly sense of humor, or there are an awful lot of boneheads out there.

Lent-il

emily — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 20:21:33 +0000

I drove past a Catholic church sign the other day that invited the public to partake in “Lent soup” one evening this week. I couldn’t help but think that they had missed a huge punning opportunity. Why not serve lentil soup? It’s sheer genius! They could even insert a dash, making it Lent-il soup! I think I’ve found my calling.

Auto correct

emily — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 03:14:31 +0000

We’ve all had trouble with the auto correct feature on our cell phones, amirite? You get a text message from a friend, you read it… you read it again… and again… and you still can’t parse it. My personal favorite came from John, at least a year ago, when I was at the dentist’s office. We were texting back and forth, no problems, and then I got this message from him: “I guess you don’t have games in your mouth right now?” Games in my mouth? Games… in my mouth? It took me awhile, I confess, but I finally figured out that his phone had helpfully replaced “hands” with “games.” Ah, auto correct. Which brings me to this. You’re probably already aware of Damn You, Auto Correct!, but if you’re not, do yourself a favor and click on the link. One of my personal favorites:

Classic.

Dentist appointment FAIL

emily — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 17:32:48 +0000

John and I have a dentist back in Kansas that we really like and we try to get appointments for cleanings every time we go back to Kansas for a visit. I called the dentist a few weeks ago to see if they had any openings around Christmas and was told that they were completely booked. I thought that was strange, but I asked if I could be put on the waiting list. When the dentist’s office called yesterday, I assumed they were going to tell me that something had opened up around Christmas. Instead, I found myself in a bizarre, circular discussion that left me utterly confused:

Receptionist: I’m calling because I’ve got two openings this morning at 8:50. I know it’s short notice, but would you be able to come in?
Me: Uh, THIS morning?
Receptionist: Yes, at 8:50 this morning.
Me: Right, well, we live in Florida, so…
Receptionist: Yes?
Me: Well, we wouldn’t be able to make it. We live in FLORIDA.
Receptionist: So, would you be able to make it by mid-day?
Me: We live in Florida?
Receptionist: Yes?
Me: I had called to set up an appointment at Christmas. In December. When we’ll be there. Because we live in Florida.
Receptionist: Okay, thank you, bye!
Me: … ….. …?!?

SATC: the later years

emily — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 21:43:35 +0000

Friends, I had an epiphany the other day while watching Sex and the City. (Don’t judge.) Here it is: Sex and the City is The Golden Girls, only with younger actresses. Think about it! Sweet Charlotte York is a young Rose Nylund. Optimistic and a borderline Pollyanna, Charlotte always sees the sunny side of life and is forever telling nonsensical stories (though, admittedly, not based in St. Olaf). Samantha Jones is easily Blanche Devereaux, only thirty years younger. Their sexual escapades are the stuff of legend, often retold in great detail over breakfast. Carrie Bradshaw and Dorothy Zbornak are cut from the same cloth. Smart and funny, confident and wise, these women represent the hub of their groups of friends. And finally, Miranda Hobbes as a young Sophia Petrillo. Who would want to cross their acerbic wit and sharp tongues? I was so pleased with my epiphany and so convinced of its truth that I Googled it and found, naturally, that I’m not the first to realize this (I mean, it’s not as if I was going to publish my findings, after all!). Of all the things I found, I think I like this video the most:

Sex and the City Vs Golden Girls Mashup

Migration

emily — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 14:49:21 +0000

Several years ago, John and I were talking to two friends of ours about climate change. Both are tremendously active in the Sierra Club and have extensive knowledge about biology. As we talked, they mentioned that cane toads are migrating further south than normal. Thinking that we were talking about seasonal migration, I thought of how incredible that was, the vast terrain that they must have to cover. I thought about the elephants in Africa that make the weeks-long trek every year to the Okavango Delta in Botswana (start at :28), and what a trial that is for them. Migration for any species is no easy task, and I wondered aloud how cane toads could make the journey. Can you see where this is going? Everyone at the table started laughing out loud at my cluelessness. In between gasps for air and wiping tears of laughter from their eyes, our friends explained that this wasn’t seasonal migration; it was one-way. Besides, they chortled, how would the toads get back and forth? Their butts would be raw from hitting the ground! Ha ha. Har. It is to laugh. But, in my defense, you hear ‘migration’ and you think that there’s a return journey, amirite?

Tolerance and intolerance

emily — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:30:45 +0000

Without going into too much detail (read: not any, no, not at all), I think it’s time to admit that I’m lactose intolerant. Naturally, as with anything having to do with me, it’s a fickle problem. Skim milk and yogurt? Yes. Ice cream and anything made with buttermilk, including baked goods? No. Solidly no. Which: how unfair is that? I can’t eat ice cream?!? Who’d I piss off in my previous life? Still there’s hope on the horizon. John, for example, is convinced that a product called Lactaid might help. That said, he’s not sure if a) he made the product up or b) if the product is real but, instead, is intended to help women breastfeed. Ahem.

Swell

emily — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 14:09:18 +0000

I bought a new bra from Victoria’s Secret the other day. It was, from the catalog description, exactly what I was looking for. Nothing fancy, nothing complicated (if you’ve seen some of the bras they’re offering, you know what I mean). Plus, it was on sale. Bonus! Then I noticed something else in the description: swell, it said. “Swell: lightly lined.” Great, I thought! I don’t want anything padded or pushed or even pumped. It seemed like the right, er, fit for me. And then it arrived. Swell: lightly lined? More like, swell: implants. I looked in the mirror and, what the hell? Suddenly I looked more like Dolly Parton than myself. I sent it back. Swell indeed!

ESL

emily — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 13:04:12 +0000

Talking to John the other day about someone who’s having a hard time finding a decent house to buy, I mentioned that all of the houses they’d looked at so far were real melons. “Melons?” “Yeah, melons. You know– the houses so far have been real duds.” “You mean lemons, then?” “Oh. Yeah.” What can I say? All of the letters were there, I just had them in the wrong order. AM SMART.

Self portrait by the artist

emily — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 15:15:06 +0000

I should mention that before I took that personality test, I thought it was basically crap. I figured the results would be well wide of the mark and wouldn’t really reflect who I am. Ahem. ::shuffles feet, looks at shoes:: As it turns out? Those personality tests are, ah, eerily accurate. Apparently I’m the way I am because I’m an ISTJ: Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging. Or, put another way, a Guardian Inspector. I’m dependable and organized. I have a keen sense of duty and tradition. I don’t like rule-breaking. I’m a perfectionist. And when things start to go wrong? I fall into a cycle of doom wherein everything is bad and nothing will ever be good again, no not ever, no not even then. John has forever joked that I’m the human version of Eeyore. Turns out? Yeah (scroll to the bottom). What’s more amusing to me is that I had John take the personality test also. He’s a Rational Inventor, meaning that he’s exactly the opposite of me. I’m supposed to “get comfortable with his ‘need’ to question authority,” while he needs to understand my adherence to rules, procedures, and tradition. We had a good laugh about this, from John’s personality description: “You will cause your partner great discomfort when you flagrantly ‘disobey the rules’ or ‘flaunt authority,’ even though that intent hadn’t even crossed your mind.” And then this, regarding gifts from from him to me: “It needs to be enough to show that they are valued highly but not so much that they feel resources are being wasted.” So, I guess opposites really do attract?