Something Shiny! » Conversations

Dentist appointment FAIL

emily — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 17:32:48 +0000

John and I have a dentist back in Kansas that we really like and we try to get appointments for cleanings every time we go back to Kansas for a visit. I called the dentist a few weeks ago to see if they had any openings around Christmas and was told that they were completely booked. I thought that was strange, but I asked if I could be put on the waiting list. When the dentist’s office called yesterday, I assumed they were going to tell me that something had opened up around Christmas. Instead, I found myself in a bizarre, circular discussion that left me utterly confused:

Receptionist: I’m calling because I’ve got two openings this morning at 8:50. I know it’s short notice, but would you be able to come in?
Me: Uh, THIS morning?
Receptionist: Yes, at 8:50 this morning.
Me: Right, well, we live in Florida, so…
Receptionist: Yes?
Me: Well, we wouldn’t be able to make it. We live in FLORIDA.
Receptionist: So, would you be able to make it by mid-day?
Me: We live in Florida?
Receptionist: Yes?
Me: I had called to set up an appointment at Christmas. In December. When we’ll be there. Because we live in Florida.
Receptionist: Okay, thank you, bye!
Me: … ….. …?!?

ESL

emily — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 13:04:12 +0000

Talking to John the other day about someone who’s having a hard time finding a decent house to buy, I mentioned that all of the houses they’d looked at so far were real melons. “Melons?” “Yeah, melons. You know– the houses so far have been real duds.” “You mean lemons, then?” “Oh. Yeah.” What can I say? All of the letters were there, I just had them in the wrong order. AM SMART.

The lineups

emily — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 15:36:50 +0000

Olympic hockey started the other night and John and I couldn’t be happier. There were, though, some concerns about the rosters:

John: Well, we have [Sidney] Crosby, right?
Me: No, he’s Canadian.
John: Oh. Well, do we have [Martin] Brodeur?
Me: No, he’s also Canadian.
John: Holy crap, we’re screwed!

Biology and stuff

emily — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 23:33:47 +0000

Me: [thinking to myself] Hmmm.
John: What?
Me: I was thinking about the biological imperative to parent.
John: *snort* Gosh, you make it sound so warm.

“I said I’m ‘ard of ‘earin’!”

emily — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:52:50 +0000

John: “He’s a real worrier.”
Me: “A warrior?”
John: [head in hands]
Me: What?!?

You knock me off my buttery feet

emily — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 11:57:34 +0000

Me: The Iowa State Fair is going to do a statue of Michael Jackson… made out of butter.
John: … …..
Me: They want to commemorate his…
John: Butteriness? Savoriness? How much commemoration can you really do in a medium like butter?

Sometimes it goes into hiding

emily — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:50:54 +0000

Me: “I’m going to put my headphones in, to try and find my inner muse.”
John, not missing a beat: “Okay! Have fun looking!”

These modern times

emily — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 12:45:28 +0000

I called the phone company yesterday morning to make our directory information unlisted (see: late-night phone calls). Naturally, I didn’t get an actual person from the start, but rather an automated voice.

Voice: “Hello! I see that you are calling from phone number xxx-xxx-xxxx. Is that correct? Please say yes or press 1.”
Me: [pushing 1]
Voice: “Okay! Now, what is your question? You can say things like ‘I’d like to pay my bill.’”
Me: “I’d like to unlist my directory information.”
Voice: It sounds like you have a question about your bill. Is that correct? Say yes or no.
Me: “No.”
Voice: “Okay, that’s my fault. Please say your question again, differently.”
Me: “I have a question about my phone number.”
Voice: “It sounds like you’re looking for a phone number. Is that correct? Say yes or no.”
Me: “Oh, dear god. No!”
Voice: “Please just say yes or no.”
Me: “NO!”
Voice: “Okay! I’ll put you through to a customer service representative.”

Everything’s so convenient these days, isn’t it? Honestly! I felt like I was on the phone with Kramer, trying to get Movie Phone information! “Hewwo and welcome to Movie Phone. If you know the name of the movie you’d like to see, press one.”

Southern survival tip

emily — Thu, 28 May 2009 13:55:15 +0000

The scene: John and I were in bumper-to-bumper traffic yesterday evening, barely moving an inch. Now, we don’t live in New York City. We live in a town whose population is, in fact, less than the population of New York City in 1820. Not a lot of people live here, is what I’m saying. And yet we find ourselves in big city traffic a lot.

Me: [making a noise akin to a bleating sheep]
John: The less you care, the less it hurts.

Me: Huh?
John: It’s just life in the South: once you stop giving a crap, the pain goes away.

Does not compute

emily — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 12:45:16 +0000

A few weeks ago, John and I were eating lunch at a fine Gainesville establishment when a guy walked in to place a takeout order. He chatted up the waitress for good measure, and this conversation ensued:

Waitress: So, um, where do you work?
Guy: [Indicating the homebrew shop across the street] I work at the beer store.
Waitress: [Indicating the convenience store across the street] Oh, ha ha! I call it that, too! I go there every morning to get an energy drink.
Guy: [less taken by her charms] Uh, no, I meant the homebrew shop.

Waitress: [blink, blink] Whaaaaat?
Guy: With the orange awning? Across the street?
Waitress: Oh… oh.